Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The bell started ringing at half past fourth
He rushed down to see and stood by the door
Thinking if life was worth opening it
He just waited till it was half past fifth
That which was gloomy started to feel light
The chill of that be started to feel warmth
The long deep silence was broken by the ringing
The feeling got different like he was floating
The ringing paused for a while and then grew louder
He was rearing to open for time ran faster
But there was hesitation he can’t go further
For there by the door with him there stood another
That other he knew, he too, wanted to open
For that other he knew has long been waiting for that moment
For that other he knew, he knew, felt the same
For that other he knew, he was a friend who too hesitates
The light that came started to be gloom
The warmth that caressed started to chill
There came the long pause but still there was ringing
He tried to walk away but his thoughts were colliding
Should he let the other, the friend, do the opening
And wait for another for the door for the ringing
Or open the door, loose the friend without knowing
If the person who was ringing was for the other or for him
Forever stood there by the door wanting, waiting
For the proper moment, for the other, both hesitating
For amidst the lapse and all that were happening
He knew somehow it was his that was ringing
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Everything, to me, is trivial. I fail in an exam, after a few minutes, I laugh at it. I get in a fight with a person, after a few minutes, I make a joke out of it. I lose something, I laugh about it. Then again,..
Just a few weeks ago, I’ve become victim to thieves, while I was asleep in a bus. Unfortunate for the thief, there’s nothing much for him or her to use in what he got from me; well, unless he’s also a civil engineering student. To that incident I lost a nice backpack, a set of mechanical pencils, a few important documents that weren’t really mine, an old tumbler, a nice jacket which I barely used, and a very Fluid Mechanics textbook. A few weeks ago, I was thinking that in the days to come, I would just laugh at the incident and make it trivial. But now, the loss haunts me. I really liked that book. It was really a lot of use to me. And now that I’m struggling in that which I use it for, I miss it. Not one of the generic book stores here has a decent copy that I can buy. And for that, I regret I slept in that bus or maybe, that I rode that bus. I don’t normally regret what I do. But when I do, the weight feels very heavy and my mind is torn, as it is now.
When I’m torn I keep quiet. Silence helps me think. But silence also makes me keep things to myself. That’s why, when I’m so torn, I drink. Drinking makes me talkative, and when I’m talkative, I say whatever the hell floats into my mind which unloads whatever burden I carry. Still, I like silence. I always imagine myself acting like a cool silent guy who sits amidst crowds and just listens to whatever there is to listen to though in the end, I tend to become the emo type, the snob, or what not.
For the record, I’m not really snob. I just don’t like interacting too much. I hate it when I have to make up a conversation with a person which would start well until we get to the point where one would just say “ah, OK” or the like. Hence, when I feel like I’d just get to those conversations, I’d just mind my own business and keep moving on with life without much as a “how do you do?” Or is that what a snob does?
The coffee I drank a couple of hours ago is beginning to show its effects as is obvious on the number of yawns I just made in the past minutes or so. My mind is beginning to drift in all the aspects of my week and my heartbeat rate starts to speed up. I feel torn.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Stone, The Drifter, The Lover and Me
As of the time being, I just officially refused passing a Machine Problem on a subject which I barely understood due to the fact that I feared asking questions or clarifications about the lessons due to the fact that I fear I was the only one who would ask due to the fact that I was slow in comprehending stuff due to the fact that I was lazy to think and I fear it would prove how undeserving I was to where I was thus proving the last.
Also, I just finished reading the latest chapter of my most favourite Manga, I just finished typing nearly 50% of a technical report due in 14 and ½ hours, I just realized how low I got in my most recent exam in our Transpo. Eng’g. Subject (a whoping 15%! And that was an open notes exam! Oh well, what’s new), I just realized how the semester is about to end and how I almost am failing in everything except, well, nothing. I’m near in concluding how messed up this week is, this semester is, and that, maybe I’d be seeing more of U.P., if not college life in general, for another 2 years. I’m so upset that maybe, just maybe, I’d be ditching people later in our planned John Mayer side seeing(we’ll just be watching along the sidelines of the concert ground) Oh, yes, I feel like I’m not part of the plan anymore. That’s how down I feel at the moment. Still, these all come to pass and in the blink of my(Buduy’s) broadband modem, everything will fade.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I can’t even tell why I started doing this.
In a nutshell maybe, I like people knowing what I think, what I feel.
I am not vocal on these things because my mouth doesn’t know how to talk.
It, I think, was only meant for sarcasm, for criticism, for ridicule, for casual talk.
Never for praise, for compliment, for something serious.
Because, God knows, when things get serious, I escape.
I shut down.
But then this came; my very first blog.
No, it’s not this blog, this blog.
My first ever.
Where most are whims of my spirited teenage years.
As I start rereading, I can’t help mock my self.
I don’t see myself like this today.
And I can’t stop laughing at my self, laughing at my thoughts.
These were thoughts from a shut mouth, words from a closed mind
These words were from a time when I was crazy over a lot of things.
These words were from me.
But now, I can’t see myself saying these things.
Times change, and it can’t be helped.
For now, this would be just a part of an uncertain past, a piece of a certain memory.
A time when I was new at an awesome environment.
A time when I was young at a special family.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Back then we lived in a 2-level dormitory where seniors reside in separate rooms on the third floor while juniors had to stay on shared rooms on the second. I was privileged to already be a senior since I studied in the same institution during High School; hence I had my own room! Back at home, I shared my room with my younger brother and there’s nothing much I could do to make it homely the way I would so there in the dormitory, I did all I could to personalize my room. I had throw pillows, a bean bag, some cartolina, curtains, shelves, some old pictures, and some cloth running on the wall. The walls were low, and didn’t close to the high ceiling and they were made with light materials so it was easy do decorate them. Every week, I changed the setting of my room. I was free to do so! I once tied my blanket over my bed making a sort of canopy one would usually see on palace four post beds! But, even though the settings change, there was one detail that I never really moved. It was my first, and only discman which I hung in one spot where, wherever I placed all my stuff in the room, nothing would affect access to it. Sure, the Discman was portable, but I tried to make it unportable, making it a part of my room, like a home theatre set or what was then the famous component. Two trusty speakers were set with it. Every day, whenever it was legal, I would play into full blast speakers a CD I had had burned by a Hi-School friend, and I’d let all the serenity of the dorm melt away. No MP3, MP4, or other player could match it, since apple was yet to come with a cheap version of the iPod and since I’ve yet to discover how an MP3 works. It was my favourite thing in the world! But on that day, it happened.
Since there was an activity, a family day for that matter, we had mass at the chapel and meals in the auditorium with my family. It was a busy day. People I’ve known from high school visited and I’m all hyped, excited to meet all of them. Only two in our batch pursued education in the seminary and almost all my classmates was either studying in Angeles or in
At first, I didn’t know what to do. I tried to search for anyone suspicious in the corridors. The halls were full of people so I felt it would be hopeless to search for it among the people and make a scandal. I told my parents about the incident but their reaction wasn’t most reassuring. They tried to sympathize with me without guaranteeing a replacement. I hoped they’d replace it but they didn’t. I reported the incident to our director though at that point, I was already ready to let the issue pass away. I felt that it didn’t matter that it was stolen.
The next day, there were no classes as it was set as a rest day lieu of the busy day that it followed. We were called to the study hall at the second floor. There were cops. It seems the directors didn’t take yesterday’s incident lightly. The police were trying to pull out the culprit saying that they’d interview us one by one if the thief didn’t give in and each would have a police blotter and that it would be a shame. At that moment, I couldn’t care anymore. It didn’t matter if they found the thief though it would be trivial. If ever I found out who the thief is, maybe I’d dig my fist on his face. Or maybe I’d push him down from the roof top. But it didn’t matter if I did find out. I can’t be bothered anymore.
I just realized that in life, the more one has, the more one may lose; that, along the way, this is just one of those things I’d lose or would be taken away from me. Not that I have so much, or not that I’m careless of my things. It’s just that losing things is inevitable and I’ve come to accept that. These are all just material things and sooner or later, they’d fade away or get lost. And by the time that happens, something new and better is to come. Still, I’m not in a rush for that. So, to all that hath taken from me, and are yet to, God bless!
Friday, July 23, 2010
I went back to the dorm early since I figured I’d have nothing much to do at the Agu-tambayan and I felt like resting or doing some computer stuff. As is to be planned, after the people are done doing non-lakwatsa stuff, I’d invite them to dinner and to hang out someplace. Seemingly, plans don’t really work out as I please.
At past 8pm, I started inviting people to dinner through SMS. I was getting pretty hungry since the last meal I had was approximately 10 hours ago, and it wasn’t really what I call a fulfilling meal. 10 minutes passed yet I still haven’t received a single reply from the people I contacted. I signed a late permit at the dorm desk as I thought I’d be having a long night. Since no one yet replied, I decided to go and have a light snack at the nearest convenience store, which was about a couple hundred meters away from the dorm. The walk seemed long and my mind was wandering to all sorts of stuff from academics to where people could possibly be at the moment. Still no reply.
Arriving at the convenience store, I felt a bit at a lost since I forgot what I wanted to do and I was getting impatient with my blank cell phone. I walked to and fro, deciding what to do next. I thought, maybe people were still busy so I decided to while away time by walking to Philcoa, which was probably more than a kilometer away. The walk probably lasted 20mins or so.
During the walk, I had the chance to think deep. Here I am walking alone, with one of my tsinelas giving a hint of a possible disaster, thinking why I am alone, why I am doing what I am, why I am where I am. A part of me started mocking my situation making me recall how I made fun of a friend who probably had a similar experience a few days ago. Then, the child in me started chanting “iiyak na yan!” in my head. Then I felt a weird sensation. Maybe this would be the last walk in this place I’ll ever have as a U.P. student. I haven’t been working/doing well on my studies since I’m still in bakasyon mode, and it sucks.
Arriving at Philcoa, I received my first interesting reply, followed by some. It seemed people have either had dinner, or are still doing something. I didn’t want to eat alone so I tried to wait. I stood in front of Jollibee, looking at the long and vast Commonwealth avenue trying to think about stuff. Almost a thousand cars have passed. It was an hour or so later before a friend came. My good dorm mate joined me in having a take-out meal! In the end, I had dinner alone in my room. Oh well.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
A lazy day, nothing to do, nowhere to go, just a day in the house.
A typical day for radio stations to play "old" songs, mostly from the 80's and 90's.
A perfect combination for that nostalgic feeling!
A few minutes ago, the radio was playing a song which brought me back to my elementary days. But somehow, I can't really picture the memories which the song was trying to bring back. "Hold me now don't bother if every moment it makes me weaker"(Backstreet Boys) I tried to think of the lyrics. The memory I was trying to reminisce was of feet running across a few steps to a corridor, then a counterstrike game at a nearby computer shop, then the quadrangle floor, and a shoe. A shoe... whom could it belong to? It has been a decade or so. I really can't make a clear picture. Then a name came across my mind.
Angelica. That's the name of my first crush. I met her when I was in grade four. She was my classmate but not necessarily my friend. I only had a few friends back then. I wasn't really friendly and I often bullied girls. Let me rephrase that. I was an introvert though I usually teased girls. I enjoyed it when I was able to make fun of them. But when it came with Angelica, I just stayed quiet. She was a smart girl that I felt, if ever I made fun of her, she'd easily pin me down with words, and I might wet myself with pee. I never got a serious talk with her. Whenever we tried to talk, I would always make a ridiculous and awkward remark. And whenever I tried to make a serious comment on something that she's telling me, I'd just say "oo nga. haha" and look or walk away.
The shoe belonged to Angelica. It was a memory from when she invited me to a game of paper dance. All I see was my feet and hers stepping on a newspaper. It was also from when I was playing at the quadrangle with my friends when she passed by, and by accident, left her shoe a few steps behind. I laughed and looked at her. She just smiled, looked away, and laughed.
I can't really tell why these were all connected to that song. I don't think that song was already existent during those days but somehow, it always took me there. Those days when I wasn't as laid back as I am today. I miss those days. Days when people decided for me. Days when people did stuff for me. Days when people watched over me. Days when I had a crush named Angelica.
I fear tomorrow. It's my judgment day. Tomorrow, I'd know if I passed a subject. Tomorrow, I'd know if my appeal is accepted. Tomorrow, I'd know if I still need to look for a house or a room.
I want to go back to the past. I want to escape the future. I'm not ready to face tomorrow. No, I want tomorrow to end.
But, I have to face tomorrow. It should just be moments of pain if in case everything goes for the worst. Then again, who knows, I might meet a new "Angelica"
I can't wait for tomorrow!
Monday, April 26, 2010
I see her sweet smile
by the corner of my eye
in the middle of the night
with the starry starry skies
as I feel her look at me
through the thick of the canopy
But as I tried to look at her
she pulled and looked away
Like acting innocent
from a crime that has been made
how it felt weird
that maybe she didn't really stare
that maybe I was just hoping
that somehow I might have been dreaming
for that sweet smile to have been for me
That sweet smile
She looks so gentle, so innocent
with lips like an angel's,
with eyes that glitter with life
with a face striking in simplicity
all I see is beauty and
That sweet smile
Dream and hope I'd favor
that someday through this time,
she could be mine
and I, be hers
I'd do everything
whatever it may take
I wont hold back
I have a big C on Si.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I see my self on a platform, receiving a rolled piece of white paper, my parents among the crowds clapping their hands, people in ceremonial clothes shaking my hands, and a lot of lights flashing. This is how I imagine my graduation.
Lying on my bed, browsing with my laptop, spacing out, waiting for the night, waiting for sleep, waiting. This is how I see my life after graduation.
Well, sure, I already have plans after graduation. But the fact for me is, after college, there is so much time with so much to do. And this is a nuisance for me. I procrastinate. Time is my kryptonite. If I have all the time in the world, I get easily bored and lazy.
Graduation is still far for me. Maybe that's why I'm getting all agitated, excited, remorseful, what not! I want to experience it! That feeling of being overwhelmed with all the time there is, spending hours on thinking what to do with all that time. And then, spending a couple more hours re-thinking. And before I know it, my clock has ticked, and it's nap time to the grave.
People say graduation is just the beginning, that's why it's called commencement exercises. And yes, it is the beginning; the start of living a life that has been tested and molded by 20 years in the learning process. It is the beginning of a more complex life. And before people realize it, they're leaving again, this time forever.
I always tell my self never to regret the things that have already been done. There's no use doing so because then, it would only bring one a heavy feeling. I never regret all those 5.0 that I got. I never regret all those relationships I've lost. I never regret those times I've wasted. And I don't regret not graduating now. I'll have my time.
And, yeah, I may prefer leaving than being left behind, but in the end, I'd rather have the latter.
To the graduates, congratulations and God bless. See you on the way. :D
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The surroundings fade and I'm in black and white. As I'm engulfed by darkness, my hand sees light.
The tunes get louder with the keys I strike. I run quickly but my ears get tight.
I strike harder till my fingers blow. I breathe deeper till my eyes glow.
I listen intently with no sound bare. My heart skips a beat as I gasp for air.
The sound came shot from a distance far away. The song went crawling as my mind shivers and sway.
The chair was back and so did the piano. I came to my senses with the strike of