Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The venue was at a roof top of some old building with tiles that reminded you of your dorm, a year back. You entered the long and relatively narrow room as people beamed at you and you searched for those 4 familiar faces. Then you heard someone call out "papa bear!" Back then, maybe as a joke, the 2 girls called you papa bear. They can't call you by your cool name since an older person had the same and it quite confused you. So as a compromise, you just accepted whatever they called you. Then, you approached the one or two who called you and got to chat. Then you smiled. You always smile. You always laugh. Then the thin girl with muscular arms said with an intent of mockery that you looked like that certain Filipino actor when you smile. And you smiled again. The people around you nodded and exclaimed in agreement. And that was when they started to call you by his name. That name you carried on for 5 years.
In two months or so, you'll stop hearing people calling you that name. That name you somehow didn't like and didn't use anywhere else since it reminded you of your family's previous driver who died of TB, or something. Well, at least, when you're there with those people who call you that, you stop thinking of anything else, like you were a different person in a different country, in a different time, maybe even on a different world. And you liked that world. Somehow, you can't accept that you're going to leave that world. That's why you stopped attending classes, that's why you wanted to stay on Friday nights even if you don't have anything to do the next day. That's why you kept bugging people that you don't want to go back to your dorm just yet and spend some time playing some game you really aren't consistent with. That's why even if your class on Tuesdays is at late in the afternoon, you still insist on going back there at Monday. Well, honestly, it's your fault. If you had taken the effort of getting another subject on that intriguing summer term, you wouldn't have had to sign that contract which you wouldn't have breached.
Now, you won't get to attend those nights where the food is free and there are new folks to toy around with. You won't get to join them people going to the mall, going to that place where there is an arcade thing and lots of restaurants, and call centers, with people who talk in awful english accents, going to some other places, walking around campus late at night, buying some food at that fast food center where everyday, the food is the same, and where plates on tables attended or otherwise vanish as fast as when those guys in white shirts pass by. And certainly, you won't be able to invite them to dine outs, jogging, strolling, computer gaming, PS3 gaming, videoke singing, drinking, isaw eating, tambayan chatting, beach house food buying, frutti froyoing, East Wooding, Bannappleing, and what not. And you'll start missing them people, them groups of people. Those whom you could eat out at rickety food stalls across katipunan or across C.P. garcia; those whom you play computer games with at that cheap computer shop where it smells like old rags or something; those whom you play computer games with at that expensive computer shop where the C.R. reeks; those whom you play that very expensive band game with; those whom you could easily invite at videoke nights; those whom you could invite at drinking nights; those whom you go to the mall with; those whom you could stay at the tambayan with even without talking; those whom you could invite to spend on stuff that isn't a meal, perhaps a couple ounces of sour ice cream, or maybe a glass of tea, or coffee, or a plate of cake, or some other sweet stuff; those you can invite without offering a treat or something; those who invite you; that whom you hadn't had a single anything out with; those whom you could talk about anything from tampons to food, from video games to political crap; and more. You know you'll miss all those and you can't deny it.
But now, or maybe 2 months from now, I'm gonna close the door on you. In front, if not behind. People around me will stop calling you, except maybe if I'll come across that old housemate. So for all those who called you, "kuya", "koy", "koya" or just plain you, one week, just one week. I'm me again, and will be missing a lot of you.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You do something to me, that I can’t explain… (I Miss You, Incubus)
As long as we got time, this aint goodbye… (This Aint Goodbye, Train)
Close our eyes, pretend to fly… (Penny And Me, Hanson)
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there… (Drive, Incubus)
Just kind of stuck between my fantasy and what is real… (Because of You, Neyo)
Jealousy turning saints into the sea… (Mr. Brightside,The Killers)
Cause I was so high… (Solo, Iyaz)
I’m standing here until you make me move… (Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse)
Cause without love I won’t survive… (Love Hurts, Incubus)
You know I need you and there’s no way I am leaving… (Sweet Thing, Keith Urban)
If it takes the rest of my life… (Wait For You, Elliot Yamin)
Here I go, screaming my lungs out and trying to get to you… (Only One, Yellow Card)
A dreamer dreams, (s)he never dies… (Champagne Supernova, Oasis)
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night… (Follow Me, Uncle Cracker)
I saw the world flashing all around your face… (I Melt With You, Jason Mraz)
Man I don’t know what I’m gonna do… (Burn, Usher)
Cause you’re all I’m thinking of… (Love Isn’t, Same Same)
Can you imagine no love… (Drops Of Jupiter, Train)
She’s running through my mind all day… (Replay, Iyaz)
One day you’ll see her and you’ll know what I mean… (This Side, Nickel Creek)
And I just can’t pull myself away under a spell I can’t break…(Closer, Neyo)
This is the last time I’ll fall in love… (The Last Time, Eric Benet)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
2 weeks still (march 8)
And then there were fourteen days. It was all the usual stuff. Me on my bed watching episodes of some series which I probably have seen more than 4 times trying to remember what happened last night, or the other nights. No, I didn’t get drunk. I think I’d have to pass drinking, and maybe smoking. I never should have smoked. I know it won’t do me any good still I did. Just credit it to experience. Though I won’t, for a moment, say it’s a bad experience, neither is it a good one. Enough with that. For now, I’m thinking of getting rid of all the vices I have. That goes for eating a lot, drinking a lot, eating a lot again, spending a lot, cutting classes a lot(pause…..) playing computer games a lot. I think these have all contributed in what could be a boring ending to my college life. But that won’t happen in 3 years or so. Well, by that, I mean college life. I’m not saying I regret having done all those things. I hate regret.
I could foresee now how I would spend my next three years. I’d wake up early, probably around 5 or 6, have my breakfast with the rest of the family, take a bath, rummage through my cabinet for something to wear and then realize I’d have to wear a uniform, go to school, sit down and listen to the lecture, walk around campus (which would probably take a mere 10 minutes) text some old friends about how bored I am, maybe sit in on another friend’s class, wait till Friday, and then have something to smile about. Maybe, just maybe, someone to smile about, or with.
It’s a frustration that, after almost 5 years, I hadn’t had the courage to make a move for someone, stand for someone, or be for someone. I guess love life isn’t really for me. And I get flashbacks on all the failed relationships I wish I had. Then again, in the last minutes of a man’s life, he gets to have the strength to do what he cannot. I’m not dying. Maybe, just a part of me is.
I remember how amazed I get whenever I see a friend cry without much of a reason and ask her how she could break a tear so easily. Then again, the only time I cried, as I could remember, was when my parents almost got separated. And, back then, I was crying insane embracing my mom tightly and saying nothing when she was asking why I did so and if my father had something to do with it(the crying) But when my dad asked me why I was crying, I just told him I was failing 2 subjects. I guess that started all the complacent-with-failing-attitude. Then again, most of the times, my father was the reason why I cried. And crying or just simply breaking a tear makes me remember those times. But then again, it doesn’t matter anymore. The past is the past, and now, I’m facing a future with much predictability.
From this day forth, I’ll be able to tell myself again, “sabi sa’yo eh” Something I haven’t done in years or so since previously, the environment I was in was unpredictable; which takes me back to the nights I was trying to remember. It makes me a bit sad that none of those nights or days was spent the way I thought of them in a way that somebody would at the last few days of his life. The way Aryton Senna drives his every race, the way Micheal Jordan plays his every game or the way Buduy plays his every dota(buwis buhay. Haha) “play every game as if it were your last” And it makes me extra sadder that each of those nights missed a certain person. But then again, I had those nights with almost everyone whom I’d readily end my day with. It now sucks that I have to end this with a cheesy line. And it sucks a bit more feeling that I won’t be what I’ve been picturing 4 years ago; a man standing tall, head up high with a piece of cloth tied from shoulder to waist with his right fist closed and resting on his left chest and his left hand clutching the spirit of honor and excellence.