Sunday, April 24, 2011

Curtain Call

My dreams have been missing you and the last time you visited was a bad memory left on my mind. Still, I want to meet you there, my dream girl. Sandman be my wish maker.....


It's a realization I don't want to make sense out of. I've been in college for 6 years and it seems the direction I'm heading to is as clear as murky water. Yes it's true I want to be that engineer. But it seems, as time passes by that I'm not clearly affiliated to any institution, the passion I had for that is slowly fading. And I'm getting back to that time when I was in that catholic institution trying to pretend I want to be something that I really didn't. I'm not saying I really don't want to be an engineer. I'd want to be one but at this moment, I'm feeling a bit confused; partly because I'm not confident that I'd be accepted to that, my fourth university, and partly because I'm not confident that I can meet expectations. I really haven't met anybody's expectations, not that I'm living by or for them. I know I can do more yet I don't. And this, my ill fate, is my wake up call. It's high time I did everything with a little more; a little more effort, a little more commitment. Oh commitments. I'd usually commit to something and then end up ignoring it for the more pleasant things in life. And that's when this cursed up ill fate started.


It's always been the same that we have many to tell that our stories never reach each other, meet each other, that in the end, we face opposite worlds and try to pass away what could have been. The only time our lives meet is when I have to leave half of mine behind.


The problem was this: I thought that as long as I didn't regret whatever comes as a consequence of my acts, I'm living life to it's fullest. It took me more or less 22 years to realize I got it all wrong. The reason why we shouldn't regret is because we know we did our best. Living life to the fullest is doing everything with all you can. That's like laughing to your heart's content, not eating to your appetite's. Like playing basketball to your body's capacity, not playing those silly games to your pocket's. It's not finishing an exam and settling for a three or having money and spending it all to the last centavo. I've always said that I was happy with the previous 5 years of my life because I tried never to regret the things I did. But now, I regret having said that. Those words only made sense if there's the effort to back it up.


The best part of having to leave that life is getting to spend its last moments with you, and that's how I wanted it to though I wish it never had to end. But life must go on. Somehow, still, I know and feel, life could've been better with you and I know, not in another degree would I be able to meet someone as great a person as you.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

P Q R S T.....

I guess the right time comes moments before it's over....

Monday, April 4, 2011


Let me reminisce one more time.
5 years ago, I wasn't expecting to be able to transfer to that Diliman Campus.
It was March, if I'm not mistaken. I've already applied for an honorable dismissal from my previous university even though I had nowhere to go yet. Getting an honorable dismissal means that you don't have any plans of returning to that university and that you're pulling out all the records that you may have there; therefore, if in case the universities which I applied for won't admit me, I won't be able to re-enroll on my previous school. That made me desperate. I only asked for two copies of my transcript so I could only apply for 2 universities; which I thought was a big mistake. So I only chose 2 campuses(campi?): diliman and los banos. I was feeling lucky that I could easily get admitted to the latter. I actually passed the entrance exam for that campus though I turned it down since, during those days, my mind was as cluttered as a friend/dotamate/l4dmate/subdivisionmate's handwriting and I really didn't like the course I passed there. So of we went.
My dad accompanied me on those two days when I submitted my application documents. It felt like he was more thrilled than I was. I passed my application first at the Diliman campus since that was the nearest. And I was lucky, almost just in time for the deadline of the submission of application for sifting blah blah blah to the course I favored. I was asked to wait for further announcements. Then, we went to Los Banos(though I'm not sure if it was on the same day) I wasn't so lucky there because the deadline for application ended weeks prior to that though I can apply to some other courses. Guess what, I applied for that course which I turned down. BS Mathematics. I was asked to return for an interview. I didn't have high hopes for my Diliman application because I believe it was the ultimate of all my ultimate dreams. Like a child wishing for a life size toy and then settling for what miniature scale some godparent gave him, I was leaning towards Los Banos admission. We started planning, my dad and I. He told me we'd find a house there, see if we could buy it, then have some people rent it along with me so I could earn and have company, then they(my parents) would visit me at most once a month, etc. etc. It was fun to dream that much. Then came the day of my interview.
We went there as early as possible since my dad already wanted to get it over and done with. I was lax. I didn't care much, leaving everything to fate. During the interview, I was asked why I chose the course, the usual kind of stuff. Then the interviewer told me that he'd admit me provided I should finish the course in 4 years and that I won't be allowed to shift out. I remember frowning and simply nodding. The interviewer then told me to return for the results. I thanked him and left without asking when I should return. I didn't like the condition one bit and it seems, the interviewer knew that. I never got news from that. I felt heavy. My hopes were shattered.
I tried to sleep on the way home. Then while we were stuck on traffic somewhere in Alabang, I got a text message from my cousin. She told me I got admitted at the Diliman campus. That was fate for me, I guess.
Now I'm here wondering what fate hath in stored for me. I thought it was Diliman. I was so confident I'd graduate there that I might have said "if ever I'd have to transfer again, I'll stop studying". And that stone struck me really hard. I'm here trying to start again. Back then, I was proud when I told the people at the registrar's office that I was transferring. Now, I don't think so.
And the if's haunt me. If only I attended my classes regularly. If only I didn't settle for a 3. If only I tried to study harder. The list goes on and on that, if I could look at myself in the eye, I'd say "sabi ko sa'yo. Hahahahaha" Then again, I don't regret. And I'd hate anything that would make me feel regretful. Who knows what outcomes those if's have.

Maybe it's true, fate is fortune to those who work. And to those who wait for fate to come? Well, you be the judge.