Sunday, April 24, 2011

Curtain Call

My dreams have been missing you and the last time you visited was a bad memory left on my mind. Still, I want to meet you there, my dream girl. Sandman be my wish maker.....


It's a realization I don't want to make sense out of. I've been in college for 6 years and it seems the direction I'm heading to is as clear as murky water. Yes it's true I want to be that engineer. But it seems, as time passes by that I'm not clearly affiliated to any institution, the passion I had for that is slowly fading. And I'm getting back to that time when I was in that catholic institution trying to pretend I want to be something that I really didn't. I'm not saying I really don't want to be an engineer. I'd want to be one but at this moment, I'm feeling a bit confused; partly because I'm not confident that I'd be accepted to that, my fourth university, and partly because I'm not confident that I can meet expectations. I really haven't met anybody's expectations, not that I'm living by or for them. I know I can do more yet I don't. And this, my ill fate, is my wake up call. It's high time I did everything with a little more; a little more effort, a little more commitment. Oh commitments. I'd usually commit to something and then end up ignoring it for the more pleasant things in life. And that's when this cursed up ill fate started.


It's always been the same that we have many to tell that our stories never reach each other, meet each other, that in the end, we face opposite worlds and try to pass away what could have been. The only time our lives meet is when I have to leave half of mine behind.


The problem was this: I thought that as long as I didn't regret whatever comes as a consequence of my acts, I'm living life to it's fullest. It took me more or less 22 years to realize I got it all wrong. The reason why we shouldn't regret is because we know we did our best. Living life to the fullest is doing everything with all you can. That's like laughing to your heart's content, not eating to your appetite's. Like playing basketball to your body's capacity, not playing those silly games to your pocket's. It's not finishing an exam and settling for a three or having money and spending it all to the last centavo. I've always said that I was happy with the previous 5 years of my life because I tried never to regret the things I did. But now, I regret having said that. Those words only made sense if there's the effort to back it up.


The best part of having to leave that life is getting to spend its last moments with you, and that's how I wanted it to though I wish it never had to end. But life must go on. Somehow, still, I know and feel, life could've been better with you and I know, not in another degree would I be able to meet someone as great a person as you.


jrldizon said...

This is just a phase, Bong. Just hang in there, magiging malinaw din ang mga bagay-bagay. Have faith, but be wise. :D

gddepadua said...

Bong, kaya yan. Nakayanan ko yan before and more, pero eventually makaka-raos ka rin diyan. Naku, kayang kaya mo yan!