Sunday, March 27, 2011

It ends to(morrow)night

Let the 17 hours pass
I'll be content

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Farewell To That Nick

It was the first activity after orientation. You were in red. Those days, you were still crazy about wearing polo. And that day, or night, as it was called the unity night, despite it being a physical activity, you still wore that red, uncomfortable polo. Back then you already had a set of acquaintances, or friends if you may. Excluding your 3-year-dorm-mate-2-months-roommate, you had 4: a guy with round cheeks, a tall guy with glasses, a pudgy girl, and a thin girl with long hair and muscular arms. At that time, you thought twice about attending the event but the two girls asked you to do so. And so you did.

The venue was at a roof top of some old building with tiles that reminded you of your dorm, a year back. You entered the long and relatively narrow room as people beamed at you and you searched for those 4 familiar faces. Then you heard someone call out "papa bear!" Back then, maybe as a joke, the 2 girls called you papa bear. They can't call you by your cool name since an older person had the same and it quite confused you. So as a compromise, you just accepted whatever they called you. Then, you approached the one or two who called you and got to chat. Then you smiled. You always smile. You always laugh. Then the thin girl with muscular arms said with an intent of mockery that you looked like that certain Filipino actor when you smile. And you smiled again. The people around you nodded and exclaimed in agreement. And that was when they started to call you by his name. That name you carried on for 5 years.

In two months or so, you'll stop hearing people calling you that name. That name you somehow didn't like and didn't use anywhere else since it reminded you of your family's previous driver who died of TB, or something. Well, at least, when you're there with those people who call you that, you stop thinking of anything else, like you were a different person in a different country, in a different time, maybe even on a different world. And you liked that world. Somehow, you can't accept that you're going to leave that world. That's why you stopped attending classes, that's why you wanted to stay on Friday nights even if you don't have anything to do the next day. That's why you kept bugging people that you don't want to go back to your dorm just yet and spend some time playing some game you really aren't consistent with. That's why even if your class on Tuesdays is at late in the afternoon, you still insist on going back there at Monday. Well, honestly, it's your fault. If you had taken the effort of getting another subject on that intriguing summer term, you wouldn't have had to sign that contract which you wouldn't have breached.

Now, you won't get to attend those nights where the food is free and there are new folks to toy around with. You won't get to join them people going to the mall, going to that place where there is an arcade thing and lots of restaurants, and call centers, with people who talk in awful english accents, going to some other places, walking around campus late at night, buying some food at that fast food center where everyday, the food is the same, and where plates on tables attended or otherwise vanish as fast as when those guys in white shirts pass by. And certainly, you won't be able to invite them to dine outs, jogging, strolling, computer gaming, PS3 gaming, videoke singing, drinking, isaw eating, tambayan chatting, beach house food buying, frutti froyoing, East Wooding, Bannappleing, and what not. And you'll start missing them people, them groups of people. Those whom you could eat out at rickety food stalls across katipunan or across C.P. garcia; those whom you play computer games with at that cheap computer shop where it smells like old rags or something; those whom you play computer games with at that expensive computer shop where the C.R. reeks; those whom you play that very expensive band game with; those whom you could easily invite at videoke nights; those whom you could invite at drinking nights; those whom you go to the mall with; those whom you could stay at the tambayan with even without talking; those whom you could invite to spend on stuff that isn't a meal, perhaps a couple ounces of sour ice cream, or maybe a glass of tea, or coffee, or a plate of cake, or some other sweet stuff; those you can invite without offering a treat or something; those who invite you; that whom you hadn't had a single anything out with; those whom you could talk about anything from tampons to food, from video games to political crap; and more. You know you'll miss all those and you can't deny it.

But now, or maybe 2 months from now, I'm gonna close the door on you. In front, if not behind. People around me will stop calling you, except maybe if I'll come across that old housemate. So for all those who called you, "kuya", "koy", "koya" or just plain you, one week, just one week. I'm me again, and will be missing a lot of you.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Defining Awkward

6 days ago, as I was about to bid goodbye to my mom before going to school, she whispered something to me. Well, a few minutes before that, she was ranting about how I got mixed up in the situation I'm in. I just ignored her. Then, as I was about to leave, she told me that she wanted to punch me.

A few weeks prior to that, I was asking for permission from my dad to attend an org event at a mall in clark when I was bugged a few questions regarding the event. Then these lines came up: "Bakit ka pa pupunta diyan? Kalimutan mo na yan..."

About 5 or 6 hours ago, we passed by this school along the road. A tarpaulin hung loosely on its fence congratulating some students for winning on a certain competition. My sister tried to read what was written but wasn't able to read what the event was. I told my sister what it was all about. Then my father spoke "next year wala ka nang alam tungkol diyan"

At dinner last night, my younger brother was showing his graduation pictures to the family. He is graduating this april with a degree I'm really not sure of. Then my sister told me: "kuya, ikaw nalang hindi gumagraduate sa inyo nila kuya"

For the past few days or so that I've stayed at home, I have always been subject to statements regarding my current situation. I tried to ignore them primarily because I don't know how to reply to these questions or statements and partly because I don't want to talk about them anymore. My parent(s) decided for my future and I've made my peace with that. I accepted all the consequences. I just wish they too have made peace with all that had happened, and just accept that there are things meant to happen.

Sadly, while good things come to those who wait, the best things happen to those who act and make their move. I just waited.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Songs For Whomever

You do something to me, that I can’t explain… (I Miss You, Incubus)
As long as we got time, this aint goodbye… (This Aint Goodbye, Train)
Close our eyes, pretend to fly… (Penny And Me, Hanson)
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there… (Drive, Incubus)
Just kind of stuck between my fantasy and what is real… (Because of You, Neyo)
Jealousy turning saints into the sea… (Mr. Brightside,The Killers)
Cause I was so high… (Solo, Iyaz)
I’m standing here until you make me move… (Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse)
Cause without love I won’t survive… (Love Hurts, Incubus)
You know I need you and there’s no way I am leaving… (Sweet Thing, Keith Urban)
If it takes the rest of my life… (Wait For You, Elliot Yamin)
Here I go, screaming my lungs out and trying to get to you… (Only One, Yellow Card)
A dreamer dreams, (s)he never dies… (Champagne Supernova, Oasis)
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night… (Follow Me, Uncle Cracker)
I saw the world flashing all around your face… (I Melt With You, Jason Mraz)
Man I don’t know what I’m gonna do… (Burn, Usher)
Cause you’re all I’m thinking of… (Love Isn’t, Same Same)
Can you imagine no love… (Drops Of Jupiter, Train)
She’s running through my mind all day… (Replay, Iyaz)
One day you’ll see her and you’ll know what I mean… (This Side, Nickel Creek)
And I just can’t pull myself away under a spell I can’t break…(Closer, Neyo)
This is the last time I’ll fall in love… (The Last Time, Eric Benet)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Nine Days

Drinking. No, I should stop drinking. But wait, I can't. It's just so fun, the things that happen when people are drunk. Then again, it's not always the case. I've been to many binge drinking or anything close to that, and most of them were fun. What takes the fun from it all is when you're the last one standing and you have to take care of at least 2 drunk people. Then again, two drunk people could spell out fun as good as 2 sober comedians. Especially when those two don't usually drink. Oh by the way, I think I should stop you from imagining stuff cause this is a wholesome blog.

It all happened four nights ago. It was past 10pm and I didn't feel like going home yet so I invited some friends to drink at this beer bar, or something, somewhere near. Oh the things that happen when I get bored. Anyway, we all ended drinking at some friends' house. At first, I had the impression that people thought I was inviting them to drink because I had to be all mushy, dramatic, and spill out every tear I could. I was, after all, emo most of the time during that week so maybe I could release some. hahaha. I began telling my story while we drank. It somehow got long because, by the end of my story, someone was already sitting on the floor leaning her head on the armrest of a green sofa. And another one has just stopped typing her thesis and started ranting in English. Then the atmosphere got tense for me because the one seated on the floor started crying and saying serious stuff to me. And then it got fun. For some reason, the one ranting started crying too. I can't tell any further for curiosity's sake though it was quite possibly my most memorable drink ever. hahaha.

People do all sorts of things when they get drunk. I, for instance, have once told someone in a text message that I l......ove her(oh the shame) even if I haven't really met her. Some people do fun things, some people don't. But I don't want to talk about either. I would like to reserve my judgement to people's personalities when they are drunk.
We drink for different purposes. I drink for the people and the food. Alcohol makes story telling much more fun. It makes interaction with others more open, less hypocritical. And that's how it gets exciting. Add deep secrets and grudges and you get an interesting night with people you thought you knew.
If that night could happen again, I tell you, I won't quit drinking. I'll never quit drinking. I'll drink and have the time of my life again.
That night, that night is how I'd want to spend these few weeks, these few days. A night which I could spend time with people close to me where we could all be ourselves, laugh at our selves, laugh at each other, and wake up the next morning wishing that the previous night didn't happen and hoping it will happen again. I do hope it will happen again. And I do hope, them person could be there. XD

The Shortlist 1

The One Who Played Inverse

I can't remember when we started getting close. Heck, I can't remember if we really got that close. Back then, I'd see you at the tambayan, greeting everyone with a Japanese bow. And back then, I remember asking you if you had a karelasyon when you were in high school. After all, that was how your school got famous in ours, aside from the fact that it was fantasy land. hahaha. I also remember you, another friend and me talking about what doesn't get digested by the stomach and comes out of the body the way it looked like when it came in... while we ate some Pipanganan tacos at Casaa; something you made a post about. I think that's when we talked about and decided to watch this film involving teeth and fingers and stuff getting bitten off by the most unexpected part of the body. And then, there was the time when I was going to the Mall alone to buy some stuff, and it so happened that you got in the same jeep as I was in and so I asked you to help me out. And before we went home, I asked you to treat me at this coffee shop which you happily(or so I think. :D) obliged, and then you got irritated when the barista put my name on the cup that was supposedly yours because you collected those cups at home. Then there was the nike bag. Then there was December.

I think yours was the rockiest friendship I ever had. We get close( or so, again, I think) then we drift apart. There was this time we didn't talk because of something I don't want to think about anymore. Then, there was also this time we didn't talk for apparently no reason at all ( or so, again, I think) I remember you once said that, there are instances where you get close to a person. And, when the time comes that you don't get together with that person often, you drift away. And sometimes, it gets to a point where you avoid the person when you get together. I've seen this happen. And I fear that sooner or later I'd be the receiving end of this pagiwas. Then again, there are things that are meant to happen. And I get back to reminiscing.

You always told me back then when I fail a subject that, no matter what happens, our parents are biologically meant to love us, or something of that sort. And, somehow, those words eased the stress I got... until I eventually became indifferent to failing. hahahaha. Now maybe it's my turn. Whatever happens, I'll be here, to laugh at you, to laugh with you, and to laugh at that stupid basketball player you so adore. In the end, I know, it's these things I'll miss more than the nights we play DotA.

If it's meant to be, it will be. I know it's meant to be. XD

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

emosheet III

2 weeks still (march 8)

And then there were fourteen days. It was all the usual stuff. Me on my bed watching episodes of some series which I probably have seen more than 4 times trying to remember what happened last night, or the other nights. No, I didn’t get drunk. I think I’d have to pass drinking, and maybe smoking. I never should have smoked. I know it won’t do me any good still I did. Just credit it to experience. Though I won’t, for a moment, say it’s a bad experience, neither is it a good one. Enough with that. For now, I’m thinking of getting rid of all the vices I have. That goes for eating a lot, drinking a lot, eating a lot again, spending a lot, cutting classes a lot(pause…..) playing computer games a lot. I think these have all contributed in what could be a boring ending to my college life. But that won’t happen in 3 years or so. Well, by that, I mean college life. I’m not saying I regret having done all those things. I hate regret.

I could foresee now how I would spend my next three years. I’d wake up early, probably around 5 or 6, have my breakfast with the rest of the family, take a bath, rummage through my cabinet for something to wear and then realize I’d have to wear a uniform, go to school, sit down and listen to the lecture, walk around campus (which would probably take a mere 10 minutes) text some old friends about how bored I am, maybe sit in on another friend’s class, wait till Friday, and then have something to smile about. Maybe, just maybe, someone to smile about, or with.

It’s a frustration that, after almost 5 years, I hadn’t had the courage to make a move for someone, stand for someone, or be for someone. I guess love life isn’t really for me. And I get flashbacks on all the failed relationships I wish I had. Then again, in the last minutes of a man’s life, he gets to have the strength to do what he cannot. I’m not dying. Maybe, just a part of me is.

I remember how amazed I get whenever I see a friend cry without much of a reason and ask her how she could break a tear so easily. Then again, the only time I cried, as I could remember, was when my parents almost got separated. And, back then, I was crying insane embracing my mom tightly and saying nothing when she was asking why I did so and if my father had something to do with it(the crying) But when my dad asked me why I was crying, I just told him I was failing 2 subjects. I guess that started all the complacent-with-failing-attitude. Then again, most of the times, my father was the reason why I cried. And crying or just simply breaking a tear makes me remember those times. But then again, it doesn’t matter anymore. The past is the past, and now, I’m facing a future with much predictability.

From this day forth, I’ll be able to tell myself again, “sabi sa’yo eh” Something I haven’t done in years or so since previously, the environment I was in was unpredictable; which takes me back to the nights I was trying to remember. It makes me a bit sad that none of those nights or days was spent the way I thought of them in a way that somebody would at the last few days of his life. The way Aryton Senna drives his every race, the way Micheal Jordan plays his every game or the way Buduy plays his every dota(buwis buhay. Haha) “play every game as if it were your last” And it makes me extra sadder that each of those nights missed a certain person. But then again, I had those nights with almost everyone whom I’d readily end my day with. It now sucks that I have to end this with a cheesy line. And it sucks a bit more feeling that I won’t be what I’ve been picturing 4 years ago; a man standing tall, head up high with a piece of cloth tied from shoulder to waist with his right fist closed and resting on his left chest and his left hand clutching the spirit of honor and excellence.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

2 weeks

I'm 16 days from the end of the semester and I'm not that enthusiastic. My mind is a mess that I can't even tell how I'm feeling towards this. Then again, I don't want this to just pass me by with a big frown on my face. And I'm glad that I still have a reason to smile.
I remember my first day in U.P..
How it felt when I was asked to commute from pampanga to my then residence somewhere in U.P. Village on a Sunday afternoon(which was my first commute to manila alone).
How my first meal was a hot dog sandwich from ministop and a bottle of water.
How I waited for my first class which was ES1 with a classmate who was busy reading the bible.
How excited I was to go home that tuesday since I had no class till wednesday afternoon.
How I waited for my math class that wednesday since I misread the schedule on my form.(note that during those times, wednesday was the freeday)
How I had my first cut where I played DotA at a nearby computer shop instead of attending my ever complicated math class which I eventually dropped for some reason rather than just incapacity to pursue.
How I attended an acquaintance party and went home(pampanga) after.
How amazed I was when I attended the FOPC thing.
How I got to be called by a very farfetched name during a unity night thing while wearing a red polo.
How I always waited for a bus at SM north during fridays.
How I always went home during tuesdays.
How I got to pass the sem with ten units.
How I got to meet new friends aside from my batchmates and select orgmates.
How I had my first U.P. fair, my first U.P. crush, my first U.P. 5, my first P.E. and so many firsts.

After four years, or so, I think I could still narrate so much. Then again, I'd dedicate another post for that.
Despite all that happened, nothing could get more memorable than that day. That day when, in spite of all the grief I had, you got to make me smile like I never before. I'm glad that you gave me a reason to be so.

Friday, March 4, 2011


that's all I can think of right now.
that's all I can do right now.
I'm so ecstatic!
Now don't you bring me down cause I'm in the best of moods!